I was 18 when I decided to stop pursuing my dream of singing profesionally. I wanted to find out what life really is about. I had many existential questions to this intruiging experience called life. I started my bachelor in Sciene of Religion, and later on my Masters in Spiritual Care. It didn´t take me long to find out that in a scientific study, they don´t give you all the answers to the deep life questions, but anyway the facts intrigued me enough to get my degrees. And I started my inner journey through yoga, Reiki, family constellations, mindfulness, vipasana meditation.
Meanwhile I kept singing. In musicals. At weddings. Memorial services. In theaters. But all along I kept having that nagging feeling I had when I decided to stop. I love singing. But I don´t love this striving for perfectionism. After every gig I had, people came to me, in tears, telling me how much they loved my voice. That it went straight into their hearts. And even though I was very happy for them, I never could celebrate my own magic. I mainly remembered the tiny mistakes I made. The nerves I had. The insecurity I felt on stage. To put it short, I never really enjoyed it. I simply didn´t believe it was good enough. Ever. That people that listened to me where just not musical enough to hear my errors. That they were just trying to be nice, but not really meaning what they were saying.
This harshness was in a big contrast with when I sang at home, alone. There I always sounded great I thought. I let myself go. Experimented with melodies, techniques, letting the inspiration flow. The allowing of that creativity that was in me even just for a few minutes (or hours if I had the chance) left me feel so satisfied. Nourished. Heard. Empty, in an at-peace way.
Then I remember one night, preparing for a performance. And I thought, argh, why am I doing this? I feel this huge pull to perform, but at the same time never reach the satisfaction I long for. And the thought creeped into my mind: what if tonight, I would just sing like I do at home? All-in. Allowing that creativity, inspiration, playfulness that I feel safe to follow at home. What if I just sing in a way that I have FUN? Why would I let the presence of other people limit me? Welcoming all the gifts I have been given…
It was as if the cork that I kept on before on stage, flew off the bottle (me) and there was no way to stop the overflow of hitting crazily good notes steadily. I passionately shared my heart through the songs I sang. Tu cut it short, I nailed it.
And I can´t remember how I did it. When I sing like that, there´s no doubt in me. There´s no moment where I think about the right technique. My body becomes my servant, and does exactly what it needs to do, to help me deliver the message through my voice.
WOW! This was a crazy, unexpected experience.
I cared LESS about perfectionism, and it was better than ever before. Because I was in it, freely.
Do I never feel self-doubt anymore? Yes of course I do. Sometimes shyness overtakes me. I crawl back into my shell. Taking the ¨safe¨ route. Singing to please others. Scared to it wrong. Feeling bad afterwards. But when I remember the cork, and how GOOD it FEELS to pop it. To just GO. Follow the breadcrums of inspiration. Not knowing where they are taking me, but trusting that it´ll be good. Feeling revived and fulfilled afterwards.
Now that is what I call singing. And it´s the reason I created my Inner Music Method. So you will stop worrying about being perfect. But find the quick and steady way to enjoy your singing. It is to go ALL-IN. When your heart, story and passion is in your singing, your body aligns to make it happen (and you automatically use the right techniques). I love helping and witnessing people remove the blocks to confidently sing in front of others. And the fact that it makes me a living just adds up to the fun. It was worth the 30 years of struggle, I can now joyfully say!